What causes autism? This has been a firestorm of a topic lately with opinions split right down the middle. After Jenny McCarthy convinced thousands of moms to not vaccinate, I think she is being blamed for the recent outbreak of measles.
Before you read any further, let me be clear. This is about my experience and my guilt and living with the constant question "could I have prevented this?"
This is NOT about vaccinations. I believe in vaccinations and all three of my boys have them. This is just a glimpse into my mind and the constant stir of emotions that come with the question "What if I had done something different?".
“Did I give Taylor autism?”
This is a question that haunts me and I believe it always will.Right after we received Taylor’s diagnosis when he was 2 1/2, I immediately began researching autism. What were the causes? Who was more susceptible? Was there a cure? You name it, I looked.
I remember reading so many different things that would cause a child to have autism. So many!
The first thing I read said that if one or both of the parents were engineers, chemist or artist, their children were at a higher risk to have autism.
Great! Mike is an engineer and I am an artist. Conclusion? Our fault.
Another source said that consuming too much tuna could cause autism due to the amount of mercury in the fish.
Wonderful! The whole time I was pregnant with Taylor, all I wanted to eat was Kraft Mac and Cheese and yes, you guessed it, tuna! Tuna subways with lots of pickles to be exact. I think I ate one of those for lunch at least 3 times a week. Conclusion? My fault.
Yet another source said that high stress levels during pregnancy could cause autism.
Fantastic! I was working at my first graphic design job right out of college while I was pregnant with Taylor and it was and still is probably one of the most stressful jobs I have ever had.
Conclusion? My fault.
Everything pointed to me and for a while, I blamed myself every day until finally I woke up one day and realized that the summary of all these studies really said one thing clearly.
Nobody knows what causes autism.
These were all just highly educated guesses (and some maybe not so educated). Did I really believe that my tuna subway gave Taylor autism? I hate to admit it but for a while, I honestly did believe that. Did it? Of course not, and I began to move on from beating myself up on a daily basis.
Oh, but then came the studies around the MMR shots. Oh my God! The more I read, the more I was terrified. OH NO! What have I done?
The MMR shot is one shot that contains the vaccine for measles, mumps and rubella. So three vaccinations in one dose. I understood the seriousness of these diseases and did not hesitate when it came to giving Taylor that shot. I knew I did not want my child to die from some horrible disease, so the decision was pretty easily made. This had to be safe, right? The doctors were giving it to all the children. This was for my child’s health and well-being.
What I didn't do was research and honestly, in 1997 there wasn't a lot being discussed about it. There were no news stories or articles and certainly no social media about links between MMR shots and autism. No one was even talking about autism in 1997 much less publishing studies on it! The doctor said it was time for shots, I took Taylor for shots. No questions. What would the research have told me anyways? Where would I have even looked in 1997 and why would I have? I’m no doctor, which is why I trusted someone with more knowledge than me in this area. Even so, this decision haunts me.
Before you read any further, let me be clear. This is about my experience and my guilt and living with the constant question "could I have prevented this?"
This is NOT about vaccinations. I believe in vaccinations and all three of my boys have them. This is just a glimpse into my mind and the constant stir of emotions that come with the question "What if I had done something different?".
“Did I give Taylor autism?”
This is a question that haunts me and I believe it always will.Right after we received Taylor’s diagnosis when he was 2 1/2, I immediately began researching autism. What were the causes? Who was more susceptible? Was there a cure? You name it, I looked.
I remember reading so many different things that would cause a child to have autism. So many!
The first thing I read said that if one or both of the parents were engineers, chemist or artist, their children were at a higher risk to have autism.
Great! Mike is an engineer and I am an artist. Conclusion? Our fault.
Another source said that consuming too much tuna could cause autism due to the amount of mercury in the fish.
Wonderful! The whole time I was pregnant with Taylor, all I wanted to eat was Kraft Mac and Cheese and yes, you guessed it, tuna! Tuna subways with lots of pickles to be exact. I think I ate one of those for lunch at least 3 times a week. Conclusion? My fault.
Yet another source said that high stress levels during pregnancy could cause autism.
Fantastic! I was working at my first graphic design job right out of college while I was pregnant with Taylor and it was and still is probably one of the most stressful jobs I have ever had.
Conclusion? My fault.
Everything pointed to me and for a while, I blamed myself every day until finally I woke up one day and realized that the summary of all these studies really said one thing clearly.
Nobody knows what causes autism.
These were all just highly educated guesses (and some maybe not so educated). Did I really believe that my tuna subway gave Taylor autism? I hate to admit it but for a while, I honestly did believe that. Did it? Of course not, and I began to move on from beating myself up on a daily basis.
Oh, but then came the studies around the MMR shots. Oh my God! The more I read, the more I was terrified. OH NO! What have I done?
The MMR shot is one shot that contains the vaccine for measles, mumps and rubella. So three vaccinations in one dose. I understood the seriousness of these diseases and did not hesitate when it came to giving Taylor that shot. I knew I did not want my child to die from some horrible disease, so the decision was pretty easily made. This had to be safe, right? The doctors were giving it to all the children. This was for my child’s health and well-being.
What I didn't do was research and honestly, in 1997 there wasn't a lot being discussed about it. There were no news stories or articles and certainly no social media about links between MMR shots and autism. No one was even talking about autism in 1997 much less publishing studies on it! The doctor said it was time for shots, I took Taylor for shots. No questions. What would the research have told me anyways? Where would I have even looked in 1997 and why would I have? I’m no doctor, which is why I trusted someone with more knowledge than me in this area. Even so, this decision haunts me.
I read more and more but the thing that kept hanging there in the air was the obvious question, “what about the kids who had the MMR shot that didn't have autism?” I mean, wouldn't all kids have autism if it was the shots? This was the answer given by doctors across the board and admittedly, this was a valid point. Regardless, I was convinced I had given my child autism and I wasn't going to take any chances with my other two boys.
My middle son, Brendan had just been born when these controversial studies started being published and I was so confused on what I should do for Brendan. For every article that said MMR shots were the smoking gun, there were 10 more that said it was all a bunch of bull. Still I still felt I was responsible and that I had done this to Taylor.
When it came time for Brendan to have his shots, I was torn. I believed the shots would save him from the terrible diseases but would they give him autism? What we decided to do was split them up and his new pediatrician was wonderfully understanding. She understood our fears and accommodated us.
By the time my youngest son, Jordan was born, the new vaccines that did not contain the preservative were finally available, so of course we chose those. Even then we split up the shots.
Here were the results in my own family. My own “control group” I guess you could say. Taylor had the original MMR shot and has high functioning autism. Brendan had the shots with the preservative, but split up. No autism, but in his early years he had a speech delay. Was it because of the vaccinations or because he was learning skills from an older brother that had autism? As for Jordan, he is in the gifted class, but aside from being smarter than me, he is your typical 11 year-old boy.
The studies still continue to be debated but here is what I believe. I believe that my children were genetically predispositioned to have autism and that MMR shot was all that was needed to push Taylor over the edge. There is no scientific basis for my opinion. It is simply that, my opinion.
I would mention my view from time to time when the subject of vaccines came up but the responses I received from most parents just made me want to not discuss it at all. It didn't help the argument that I was torn because I do believe in vaccinations. All I wanted to do was encourage my friends [and you] to do your own research and then make up your own minds.
So, I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't talk about it with anyone anymore. What was the point? A year would go by and I wouldn't hear anything about shots and autism and then out of nowhere, someone with good intentions would strike up the conversation with me after learning I had a child with autism. "Did I read about the latest on the MMR shot?" "Did I know the possible links to autism?" "Did I hear what this whistle blower said?" On and on it would go, and during each of these well-meaning conversations, I would feel the words began to creep up in the back of my head. “I am responsible.” What my friends didn't realize is every time someone would ask me one of these questions, all I could hear was "Did you know you gave Taylor autism?"
I would push that voice down. I didn't want to hear it, but it would eventually be the only thing I could hear. That voice in my head, drowning out the words of the person in front of me, just screaming at me saying “You gave Taylor autism!!! You did this! It’s is all your fault!”
Was this rational? Of course not, but as a parent I wanted someone to blame and I was the easiest target. Thankfully these conversations were few and far between, but each time it would always end the same way, with me walking away trying not to let anyone see the tears that threatened to reveal my guilt.
Not too long ago, I came across an article on Facebook. The title got me instantly, “Autism and the CDC: Now what?” with the caption underneath reading- "This week it was announced that the CDC may have altered studies claiming there is no link between autism and MMR vaccines. Thanks to a whistleblower who came forward this week with his identitiy - William Thompson, Ph. D. Dr. Thompson has first-hand knowledge of the alleged cover-up"
Tears streamed down my face as I read the article. I couldn't breathe.
This was Facebook though, which meant that it may not be true, but I shared it anyways with my guilt out there for everyone to see.
Immediately the comments started from my friends with links to articles that said otherwise. Telling me that I was an amazing mom, that Taylor was amazing, that it was not my fault. This was not why I posted the article. I wasn't looking for someone to hug me and make me feel better. What I was trying to do was give parents information so they could make their own decisions. I wish those articles had been around 17 years ago for me but they were not.
You know what though? Who cares? I can't do this anymore! How is this helping me? More importantly, how is this helping Taylor?
It doesn't matter. At least not for our family. What is done is done. Taylor has autism. Period. Why does he have it? I don't know and if I did, there is nothing whatsoever I can do to change it. The fact is this. Regardless of what studies prove, I will always, ALWAYS wonder what would have happened if Taylor hadn't received that vaccine or if I hadn't been stressed during pregnancy or if I hadn't eaten tuna sandwiches... ALWAYS. The problem is that wondering and daydreaming about the “what if’s” do not help Taylor today.
Taylor has autism. It doesn't matter to him why. What does matter is giving this child the best life possible and if I spend my time blaming myself, the doctors and life then, I am wasting valuable time that could be spent on something more productive, positive and beneficial.
Did I give Taylor autism? YES. He is my child. I gave birth to him. I gave him the blood running through his veins, his lips, his blue eyes and his blond hair. I gave him his broad shoulders, his skin color, his love for art, his DNA and so it goes with reason to say that I also gave him autism however it came to be.
Okay, so that has been established. Let’s move on.
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